CANDY WARS

LEMONHEADS:

Eat me! I'm yummy. I'm old-fashioned, no, I'm vintage. 

RAISINETS:

But you love me the most. I've got fruit so I'm healthy. 

SWEDISH FISH:

Yeah, but I'm shaped like little fish. I'm the cutest for sure. 

ALMOND JOY:

The fish may be cute, but I claim to give you happiness, which is just the pretentiousness you need in a candy.

M&MS:

I offer the most variety. Not only do I come in different colors, but I also have different flavors. There's plain, peanut, peanut butter, almond, cripsy, and holiday with mint. Oh, and don't forget sizes. I come in a miniature version. Or, if you want me with something else, you can have M&Ms cookies, ice cream, or just buy the M&Ms baking bits to put in whatever the heck you gosh darn please!

NERDS:

Pick us instead. We may not be cool, or healthy, or cute, but we're smart. Eat us and you can be smart too. Wati a minute, why do I want you to eat us? If you eat us what happens? Do I die? Nevermind. The SWEDISH FISH were right. Eat them. 

SWEDISH FISH:

 No, no, don't eat me. I', fishy. That's not good. Plus, I mean, we're from Sweden. I mean, come on! Why don't you eat the M&Ms. They sure had a lot to say, so they must be really great. 

M&Ms:

That's precisely why you shouldn't eat us. How will you ever choose? You'll fall asleep before you decide which one of us to eat. No, you better go with those LEMONHEADS. They're nice and clean to eat, not messy and melty. 

LEMONHEADS:

Yes, but why would you want me? I may be fruit-flavored, but why not go for a candy with real, actual fruit in it, like, say, RAISINETS.

RAISINETS:

Good point LEMONHEAD, but I think you forgot one crucial fact. What do people want more than anything else in the world? If you guyessed happiness, ding, ding, ding, you're correct. That is why you really have no choice. You must eat the ALMOND JOY.

ALMOND JOY:

No! in a muffled voice